Blood is thicker than water. Or is it?

You are familiar with that phrase, right? It's a German expression meaning the bonds of family are stronger than friendship. But if I were dying of dehydration in the desert, I would prefer water over blood any day.

Last month, I got to see how "strong" the bonds of family really were.

As many of you may know, in May, I finally got my driver's license. I had been paralyzed with fear over getting it since I was 16. But after losing my job last year, I started to work on it. By January of 2012, I kicked myself in the pants and got my Virgina Permit. I had one from New York when I was 18, but it expired last year. Part of that drive was so I could have the appropriate I.D. to register to vote down here. But really, I want to earn my freedom, and a permit was the first step. After a few months of practice from my father, I went in and took the test. I was nervous. I made some mistakes. But I drove back to the DMV to find out that I had passed and it should come in the mail in six weeks.

Holy crap. I had conquered a fear. I put my mind to something, worked at it, and it happened. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I was high on self-esteem.

Naturally, I called my mother, who was thrilled. After talking to her, she called my grandmother, who was also thrilled. She decided to give me $500 towards a new car.

And then things went downhill from there.

My mother told my cousin, whom she had gotten chummy with since retiring, the news. Let's call her "J" for the sake of privacy. She got jealous that my grandmother was giving me $500 (I don't know why as the family strongly suspects "J" of stealing three grand from her) and decided to converse with my cousin "M" and talk crap about me. Cousin "M" decided to tell Aunt "B" ("J's" mom) who is a bit neurotic and unstable that my grandmother is giving me $5,000. She calls up my grandmother and starts yelling at her, wondering why I'm getting so much money, but her other grandchildren aren't. My 88 year old grandmother broke down crying, wondering what she did wrong.

I shouldn't completely bash my family. After all, my grandmother is willing to help out, my parents and sister were happy for me, my mother wants to buy me a car, my uncle was happy for me, and my two other cousins (my uncle's first two children) are very nice and didn't say anything bad about me. They are more "adult".

But while my family decided to start talking crap and spreading rumors to get others worked up, my friends were there for me. Here is what they said:

"CONGRATS!!!!"

"AWESOME!!"

"That's fabulous Josh."

"Congrats Josh! :-D"

And last but certainly not least:

 "dude!!!" and "I don't usually condone gambling, but if someone should win the lottery or something awesome, it's you! $100,000,000 dollars for Josh! And other cool things, maybe a new car since he just got his license!"

And I received eight "Likes".

So while my family was making my grandmother cry, my friends were all proud and happy for me. They didn't say "You're 24 and you just got it? That's pathetic. What a loser".

Part of my depression causes me to get paranoid at times. I get it in my head that my friends are ignoring me, are mad at me, they hate me, they're fed up with me. But every time I get those thoughts, I should look back at all the well wishes and supportive comments I received when I finally overcame a fear that had dominated a chunk of my life and was holding me back. I need to remember that I have friends that love me, who care about me, and are there for me. I would rather belong to that family of "strangers" than to a group only related by two people, two generations ago.

Thank You.

It feels sooooo good.

Sometime last week, Wednesday night perhaps, I was on the verge of crying. I was sitting in my bed and my eyes started to tear up.

I was so happy.

It had been so long since I felt this way. Honest to God happiness. No more suicidal thoughts, no more feelings of hopelessness, nothing. I was just happy.

I don’t know if the meds are finally kicking in, but having the car for the Memorial Day weekend gave me the boost of confidence that I needed. I felt so alive. I felt like nothing was impossible. It was a big step up from having a panic attack everyday!

I still have some work to do and I’m not completely better, but I hope this is a new beginning for me.

I think I need to take this day to rest and clear my head.

May 23, 2012

I think I need to give my therapist a call.

I'm a wreck. I'm tense as hell. My heart is racing. I've had a panic attack every day for the last three days. Five in the month of May. I cry every day. I feel like since early April, I have been getting worse.

The future is a big void of nothing. It scares the fuck out of me.

I'm told that fear is natural, but you can't let it get in the way. I have no idea how to control fear. I am handicapped and crippled by my fears. And that keeps me depressed.

Since I have started taking my medication, I have been fighting my therapist at every step. I have become much more negative and pessimistic. I hate myself so damn much. I go out of my way to criticize me and put myself down.

I don't know what the point is of writing this. I want people to know this, but at the same time, I feel like I am ruining everybody's day. Like I am this huge burden to everyone I know. I'm sorry.

I feel like there is no way out. I'm driving myself mad. I feel like I am going to snap or break soon. I'm not meant for this world. I can't do it. I wish I was dead.

Once again, I present the Numbers Game

So, I recently saw this on Facebook. As much as I do think these people are overpaid, their salaries aren’t bankrupting us. As some of you know, I hate the numbers game. This is another distortion and omission of facts designed to sway your opinion. Notice how they don’t mention how many people are receiving each. I actually looked up who gets what and how much it costs us each year. Let us look, shall we?

Living Retired Presidents receiving $450,000 a year (1) = $450,000 a year.

Living Presidents making $200,000 a year (3) = $600,000 a year.

Total Presidential salary expense = $1,050,000 a year.

(George W. Bush was the first President to be paid $450K a year and is the only retired President to receive that. The other Presidents receive $200K a year)

Five former and One current Speaker of the House (6) at $223,500 per year = $1,341,000.

535 current members of Congress at $174,000 = $93,090,000.

20 Leaders at $194,400 = $3,888,000.

Total Congressional salary costs per year = $98,319,000.

(Admittedly, some people are being counted more than once. For example, Nancy Pelosi is a former Speaker of the House, Current Congresswoman, and House Minority Leader. I did not look up how much she is making and I did not remove overlaps from the equation. The number is most likely higher than it should be. I also did not look up how many former Congressman there are and how much they are being paid.)

39,472,928 Americans 65 or older.

$12,000 per person a year = $473,675,136,000 a year on Social Security.

99,000 soldiers in Afghanistan.

$38,000 per person a year = $3,762,000,000.

Total = $477,473,136,000

So, to compare: The Presidency and Congress are costing Americans roughly $100 Million a year. Social Security and Salaries for Active-Duty Soldiers in Afghanistan cost Americans about $477 Billion a year.

I know Congress is the typical punching bag, but they are not bankrupting America with their salaries. Bitching about Congress is a distraction from the real issues of rising medical costs and an aging population. We need real reforms to the system to combat the rising debt and growing financial instability of entitlement programs. Complaining about the $100 million spent on Congress when we have a $1.5 Billion dollar budget deficit does us no good.

I can't decide

I just can’t decide if I want to go on this rant or not. I don’t want to upset and isolate certain people with my thoughts on this subject. Not that that has completely stopped me before… but I have very strong opinions on this subject with some personal investment into it. Let’s just say, it’s very topical for tomorrow *rolls eyes*.

I always forget that I can write down my thoughts and NOT share them with the world. My better judgement is saying “DON”T publish”. I think I will listen to it for once and I’m leaning against publication. I’ll probably get a dose of stupid confidence and publish anyway, and then regret it.

No. I won’t do it. My thoughts are sealed. I’m not saying a thing…

Labeling

Okay. Something has been bothering me politically lately. I was just watching TV and flipped to ‘Hardball’ with Chris Matthews on MSNBC. Florida Republican Congressman Allen West has recently stated that he thought 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party in Congress were “card-carrying communists”. Liberals and Democrats like Chris Matthews are upset. West has done the typical Republican reaction of blaming the liberal media and how he is the victim for speaking his mind. You know, typical GOP BS.

I would like to say, that yes, his statements are highly unfair and reflect the bitter partisan tone in this country. The GOP and Tea Party have thrown around the terms “Communists” and “Socialists” so frequently that they have lost all meaning. They are big fancy words for “they hate America and your freedoms”. Anyone who knows anything about those ideologies knows that the Democrats and President Obama are not that. They like the free market but want to see it regulated. They think the government can be a positive force in society and should protect people. It is unfortunate that calling Democrats and liberals “Communists” and “Socialists” has become so normal that this isn’t really big news (outside of a handful of people and organizations). There is so much vitriolic poison in politics today it is frustrating.

To be a partisan Democrat for a moment, Rep. West really shouldn’t complain about how far the Democrats are leaning from the center since the GOP has been moving farther to the right than the Dems have been moving to the left… Oh, and the Dems might (in your view) be taking away economic freedoms, but the GOP seems intent to take away personal freedoms. Voter ID laws, ultra-sound laws, union-busting. That does reek of “personal freedom”, doesn’t it?

But what is really bothering me is this view that no one is or has ever called Republicans “Fascist”. On ‘Hardball’, they were talking about how much trouble people would get into if someone called a Republican a “fascist” and this article says that referring to them as such is “something only the most brain-dead Occupy protester would attempt.”

Really??? Do these people not remember 2003 to 2008? How many times have George Bush or Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld been called a fascist? Hell, even John McCain is being called a fascist, and I thought he was a moderate! Google “bush hitler mustache” and see how many pictures you get.

I’m really disgusted by this selective amnesia liberals seem to have right now. Yes, they threw around stupid terms to describe the opposite ideology too and I don’t think anyone ever made a big deal about it during the Bush presidency (besides Fox News, of course).

I guess I understand that because it is a Congressman using the label instead of some idiot like Limbaugh or Coulter, it’s a bigger deal. I don’t think a Democratic member of Congress ever stated that a Republican or “a reagan” (note: a group of Republicans is called “a reagan”) was a fascist. So, this is a bigger deal. But c’mon, liberals. Don’t act like no one has ever mislabeled a Republican for cheap political purposes.