I haven't posted on here since 2015. And boy, have a lot of things happened since then. So much has changed in my life and in the world. How I refrained from writing about the last eight years is beyond me. I guess I lost the passion I once had for blogging. But recent events in my life have brought me back. For those reading this, I feel like I sort of owe an explanation for my recent decline in mood.
At the end of September, my computer broke. A corrupted operating system caused a loss of about three years worth of stuff. Always back your files up, folks. In the weeks it took to repair, the sudden free time I had made me come to a sudden realization: I'm lonely.
Besides co-workers, I have no friends here in Maryland. More importantly, I'm romantically lonely; I have no girlfriend and never have had one.
In the middle of this, I guess I needed to fill a hole in my life and developed a crush on a live streamer/content creator/whatever you want to call her.
Basically, I'm back to 2011/2012 in my life, with the extra anxiety of "wasting a decade" and being 35 instead of 25. I'm afraid of being alone. I don't know how to be social and meet people. I hate online dating. I hate the concept of dating in general. My crush makes me high as a kite before reality kicks in and reminds me that she doesn't even know I exist and my thoughts snowball into self-hating depression. At least I KNEW my 2011 crush. This feels a million times worse.
How the Hell I "got over it" and forgot about these problems until now is beyond me.
At my lowest point, I realized I needed to go back to see a therapist and decided to try TMS therapy (basically brain magnets). I think things are going to be better, but it's hard to believe it at times.
