Sunday, September 30, 2012

I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer by now.

I am a worrywart. There is no denying it; I constantly worry about things.

I'm worried about my Grandmother and her failing health. I'm worried about my mother's health. I'm worried about my parent's inevitable deaths. I worry about finding a job. I worry about my future. I worry about my friends. I worry about being alone for the rest of my life. Worry worry worry.

Some of those concerns are beyond my control. Some I can control, but it is hard for me to believe it.

Perhaps the greatest situation that causes me to worry is waiting for someone to come home. I remember countless times being home alone in the evening, waiting for my mother and sister to come home from some event or errand. I they were half an hour late, I would began to panic and cry. My grandmother's daily evening call would calm me down a little (or at least a vent for my anxiety), but it would always get her a little worked up. Then I would feel so relieved when they got home and a bit embarrassed for getting worked up.

That habit has continued into adulthood. If my father is running a little late, I go crazy. I don't remember when, but recently, I was pacing the floor, breathing heavily, looking out the window and down at my phone. I'm afraid if I don't worry, something bad will happen. I don't want to know that as my father was being rushed to a hospital, I was getting upset over a Creeper blowing me up in Minecraft.

I believe two things may have contributed to this fear: Watching 20/20 and other shows that follow a disappearance and murder, and my Paternal Grandmother's death.

I watched a lot of those shows growing up. It was thanks to 20/20 that I asked about my anesthesia wearing off in the middle of my appendectomy. Why did a 10-year-old's TGIF night end with 20/20? I continued to watch those murder shows (What is this genre called. Reality?) growing up and I always saw a pattern; It was just like any other day and someone was apparently running late. BOOM, just like that. A quiet early-fall afternoon suddenly becomes the day a friend or family member went missing/was murdered. All without warning. It's not like finding out that your shark-wrestling, best friend was eaten by a shark. You are to expect those kinds of dangers in an occupation like that. Someone was coming home from the library and then they are killed, or injured in an accident, or murdered, or kidnapped.

I have a bit more personal reason for my many fears. My Grandmother died like in the paragraph above. She and a friend were on their way to the market to pick up vegetables, and then were hit by a train at a poorly marked crossing. Instead of seeing his mother come home with a bag full of vegetables, my seven-year-old father saw a New York State Trooper bearing the news of the accident to his father. Fifty years ago today, a seemingly normal day turned to tragedy.


How am I not to worry? Every time he gets in the car for any reason could be his last! It could be the last time I ever see my father! Knowing this, I always try and tell him before he leaves, "I love you".

Maybe I am more afraid of sudden change. That feeling I, and I'm sure most people got, after 9/11. We can never go back to the World that existed on September 10. Probably didn't help that our Government told us to act normal and change everything we do. Besides that, I always fear a little in the back of my head, that something bad is going to happen. I honestly think that an A-Bomb is going to go off in America at any minute, wiping out a city. When the Emergency Broadcast Signal went off on the radio, I thought "Putin finally went mad and he's nuking us!". Turns out, it was a warning for a sever storm. Oops.

What's wrong with me?

Friday, September 21, 2012

iCheeseburger

I was reading this CNN article about the new iPhone's hilariously awful maps when I disregarded all logic and scrolled down to the comments. You had your typical comments bashing Apple, defending Apple, supporting Apple, and I think Hitler was inevitably mentioned somewhere. But this was a comment that stuck out for me,
I've yet to understand why you people get on here and complain about products you don't own or like. It's like telling someone everyday you hate cheeseburgers but are always hanging out at a burger joint. [accessed 9/21/2012 4:45 PM]
Okay, I think I will explain this to you within the guidelines of your metaphor. Let's imagine that cheeseburgers are the only type of food that saturates the news. Anytime some minor change occurs with a cheeseburger, the news organizations cover it like mad. People stand in line for hours just to get the new cheeseburger, even if there is no real change to the recipe from yesterday's cheeseburger. And when those people do buy their cheeseburgers, they brag about it and how it is sooooo superior to your lowly hamburger. They act smug, like they are better than you because they have a cheeseburger, even if it was made from the same ground up cow and made by the same minimum wage employee as your hamburger.

It's the bombardment of positive news relating to this company that others don't seem to get. For a company that only has 10% of the market share for operating systems, they get a disproportionate amount of press. It's the cult-like devotion to acquire the newest product, even though their year-old device still works fine. It's the smugness of the customers thinking they are superior to PC users, even if both products are the same damn thing with their individual pros and cons. It's the hypocrisy of anti-corporate, anti-consumerist people supporting a corporation with questionable business practices, and participating en mass in consumerism.

This is why some people love to hate Apple products and their costumers. It's when a product is more than a product and becomes a "way of life". That by using an alternative to the predominant PC/Windows, they are somehow more unique and more superior to the rest of the population.

Now for the obvious "fairness disclaimer". Not all Mac users are like this. They just prefer this system over Windows, and I can see why. Windows sucks. I get so many errors and problems on every computer I've ever had. Pressing the "Space" key has gotten me an "illegal command" message. Numerous games crash for no reason (games in which the computer meets all necessary recommendations). Turning my computer on after being asleep may give me the "Blue Screen of Death". They change programs that I liked (movie maker is now horrible on whatever system this is, so now I need to buy $100 software) or they rename them from the last system, causing confusion and wasted time. Constant updates at inconvenient times in which I can't see a damn difference. I can understand people wanting an alternative!

But Macs are not for me. I grew up with a PC, and that is what I am accustomed to. I NEED a right click on my mouse. It once took me ten minutes to turn on an iMac G3 because the power button was in the back and slightly under the computer/monitor thing. Because having a power button in clear sight was clearly an industry practice that needed to GO!

Some people like Hamburgers, some prefer them with Cheese. But eating either one doesn't make you special, so shut up and let me enjoy my damn meal!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My Retreat.



I recently read an article on CNN about the protests in the Middle East. Reporter Fareed Zakaria claims that this wave of attacks and riots is not indicative of Anti-Americanism in the region. He cites a study that shows that a majority of Libyans like the US. The people shown on TV and online are small crowds that represent a minority opinion within that country. However, I recalled a story from The Daily Beast that claimed otherwise. Since March (incidentally the month the survey Zakaria cited in his article), support has fallen as the US favors its own security over promoting freedom and democracy. According to article author Sherif Mansour, the protests do represent an overall dissatisfaction with the US.

Who the hell is right? The person working for a major news organization with a background in journalism and international relations, or the activist on the ground with first-hand experience and works for a liberal news agency? These are two different statements here. I have been getting more and more distrustful of news organizations, specifically American ones.

I read an article on the US invasion of Panama in 1989 and how the media presented it. True, Manuel Noriega did circumvent elections and put himself in charge, but no one bothered to mention that he was on the CIA payroll as an informant, and smuggled drugs into the US, which he was protected from prosecution because of his CIA ties. And the President, George H.W. Bush, had connections to him when he was the head of the CIA and worked with the Task Force on Drugs. We were the glorious liberators of Panamanians who overwhelmingly supported us and removing the military dictator, 92% of Panamanians supported us! Well, those Panamanians happened to be very wealthy and spoke fluent English. They were not the most representative of the country. Most Americans supported the invasion, but that was because the media didn’t/couldn’t bring up any critical objections.

Same thing with the Gulf War. And the Iraq War. Speaking of Iraq, the famous images of the Iraqi people spontaneously working together to tear down a statue of Saddam Hussein (as I watched it live in my Study Hall in 9th Grade) was completely orchestrated by the military.

I frankly don’t know where I can ever get the truth.

To find the truth, I surround myself with opinions I agree with. I keep lapping up more and more each day, only hearing what I want to hear. I do maintain a level of skepticism that has called out BS now and then, but I surround myself with The Huffington Post and Daily Beast. Am I really informing myself, or making myself more ignorant, more intolerant, more paranoid? 

The same way the fundamentalist Christians believe that Liberals and Gays and Muslims are working to destroy America and the Constitution, and we are on the brink of destruction unless action is taken, I too feel that we are on the brink with the clock ticking down, and the threat is from the likes of all the Bachmann's and Santorum's out there. I clearly think the crazy right-wing is, well crazy. But what about me? Am I holding similar irrational beliefs? From my point of view, there is actual proof that the Christian-Right is crazy and perverting the Constitution. But, don’t they have “proof” of the secular, gay jihad? That's because I surround myself with people who are telling me what I want to hear, and so do they.

I'm afraid that I am heading down a dark path. A path of radicalism. I cannot stand to hear the other side. I go into smash mode every time a Republican speaks. I couldn't watch the GOP convention and I know I won't be able to watch the debates. I'm ready to take my gloves off and challenge somebody to a dual if they utter an opinion I disagree with. I’m unwilling to hear the other side. How will that lead to understanding and compromise?

But how much of this is my fault? Am I somewhat justified in my paranoia? It is pretty clear that the Republican Party has been moving far to the right. A recent Research Study came to that conclusion. Barry Goldwater came to this conclusion in the early 1990s. The GOP Platform position on abortion is the most extreme ever. No exceptions at all. Personhood Amendments springing up on state ballot initiatives. Women having access to contraception is now controversial. Evolution was taught as fact in schools with no problems 50 years ago. Now we have States trying to promote creationism/intelligent design through tax-payer funded voucher programs and legislation deeming it controversial and full of holes. Islamaphobia has manifested itself in arsons, vandalism, and protest against Mosques, regardless of its location to Ground Zero. Republican candidates freely associate with public figures that spout racist, intolerant, hate speech against anyone who isn’t white, male, straight, and Christian. I’m not making this stuff up. It is happening, and it needs to be fought.

But I associate this behavior with all Republicans and Christians. I know there are moderate voices in there. My father would consider himself a Republican and conservative, but he is fed up with the Tea-Party-infected organization. I grew up Christian, and I know that many aren’t political or intolerant. But as soon as I hear those words, these generalizations pop into my head and I lose it. This is terribly hypocritical of me. I’ll defend Islam and claim that we shouldn’t judge a religion based on the bad apples perverting it, but when I think of Christians, I think they are all “Jesus Camp” attendees.

I do not believe I should be involved with politics. I have a horrible temper. I take opinions way too personally. I see the opponent as my enemy. I’m right and they’re wrong.

I am a partisan. And the last thing we need in this country is more partisans.

I won’t give up my beliefs, but I need to calm the fuck down before I look into a serious career in politics. I need to mature and learn some self-control before I do anything. I am too easily drawn into conflict that I later regret. Conflict with no purpose. The only outcome is an increased heart rate and sweaty armpits.

There is nothing wrong with holding an opinion. The very fact that I do shouldn’t be a reason to fear for myself. I have tried to see issues from another point of view. I was once strongly pro-death penalty until college. I cursed affirmative action as I lived with no knowledge of current racism. I hated welfare and all the lazy people taking my parent’s hard earned money. But that all changed the more I learned about the world. I believe I have done enough to properly inform myself to come to an opinion.

Republicans are to blame for today’s problems. They are obstructionist; we cannot compromise when their version is “do what we say or we’ll let this country default on its debt”. They are dangerously right-wing. Fundamentalist Christianity is a threat to our rights. I fully believe most of this paranoia and hatred of the President is race-based. I’m not going to instantly play the race card any time someone criticizes the President. But you can’t tell me the Tea Party doesn’t hold racist and ignorant thoughts regarding the Commander-in-Chief. They are kicking and screaming as they are pulled into the future as they are afraid of the white man losing his power. 

But it’s not the end of the world. I can vote. Volunteer. Organize.

The main thing about the Occupy Wall Street Movement (now one year old) that irritated me was the sense of futility. “Trying to participate within the process was hopeless”. It’s not. They made their bed after complaining about Republicans through the summer and fall of 2010, stayed home on Election Day because Obama wasn’t liberal enough, and then complained about the results. Nothing wrong with opinions manifesting itself into marches and protests, but actually follow up on it and make that change.

I have no idea where I am going with this anymore. The media is BS, I’m too uptight, and I need to take a chill pill while sticking to my ideals. I think I can do this with less  political postings or none at all.