May 23, 2012

I think I need to give my therapist a call.

I'm a wreck. I'm tense as hell. My heart is racing. I've had a panic attack every day for the last three days. Five in the month of May. I cry every day. I feel like since early April, I have been getting worse.

The future is a big void of nothing. It scares the fuck out of me.

I'm told that fear is natural, but you can't let it get in the way. I have no idea how to control fear. I am handicapped and crippled by my fears. And that keeps me depressed.

Since I have started taking my medication, I have been fighting my therapist at every step. I have become much more negative and pessimistic. I hate myself so damn much. I go out of my way to criticize me and put myself down.

I don't know what the point is of writing this. I want people to know this, but at the same time, I feel like I am ruining everybody's day. Like I am this huge burden to everyone I know. I'm sorry.

I feel like there is no way out. I'm driving myself mad. I feel like I am going to snap or break soon. I'm not meant for this world. I can't do it. I wish I was dead.