I can't decide

I just can’t decide if I want to go on this rant or not. I don’t want to upset and isolate certain people with my thoughts on this subject. Not that that has completely stopped me before… but I have very strong opinions on this subject with some personal investment into it. Let’s just say, it’s very topical for tomorrow *rolls eyes*.

I always forget that I can write down my thoughts and NOT share them with the world. My better judgement is saying “DON”T publish”. I think I will listen to it for once and I’m leaning against publication. I’ll probably get a dose of stupid confidence and publish anyway, and then regret it.

No. I won’t do it. My thoughts are sealed. I’m not saying a thing…

Labeling

Okay. Something has been bothering me politically lately. I was just watching TV and flipped to ‘Hardball’ with Chris Matthews on MSNBC. Florida Republican Congressman Allen West has recently stated that he thought 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party in Congress were “card-carrying communists”. Liberals and Democrats like Chris Matthews are upset. West has done the typical Republican reaction of blaming the liberal media and how he is the victim for speaking his mind. You know, typical GOP BS.

I would like to say, that yes, his statements are highly unfair and reflect the bitter partisan tone in this country. The GOP and Tea Party have thrown around the terms “Communists” and “Socialists” so frequently that they have lost all meaning. They are big fancy words for “they hate America and your freedoms”. Anyone who knows anything about those ideologies knows that the Democrats and President Obama are not that. They like the free market but want to see it regulated. They think the government can be a positive force in society and should protect people. It is unfortunate that calling Democrats and liberals “Communists” and “Socialists” has become so normal that this isn’t really big news (outside of a handful of people and organizations). There is so much vitriolic poison in politics today it is frustrating.

To be a partisan Democrat for a moment, Rep. West really shouldn’t complain about how far the Democrats are leaning from the center since the GOP has been moving farther to the right than the Dems have been moving to the left… Oh, and the Dems might (in your view) be taking away economic freedoms, but the GOP seems intent to take away personal freedoms. Voter ID laws, ultra-sound laws, union-busting. That does reek of “personal freedom”, doesn’t it?

But what is really bothering me is this view that no one is or has ever called Republicans “Fascist”. On ‘Hardball’, they were talking about how much trouble people would get into if someone called a Republican a “fascist” and this article says that referring to them as such is “something only the most brain-dead Occupy protester would attempt.”

Really??? Do these people not remember 2003 to 2008? How many times have George Bush or Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld been called a fascist? Hell, even John McCain is being called a fascist, and I thought he was a moderate! Google “bush hitler mustache” and see how many pictures you get.

I’m really disgusted by this selective amnesia liberals seem to have right now. Yes, they threw around stupid terms to describe the opposite ideology too and I don’t think anyone ever made a big deal about it during the Bush presidency (besides Fox News, of course).

I guess I understand that because it is a Congressman using the label instead of some idiot like Limbaugh or Coulter, it’s a bigger deal. I don’t think a Democratic member of Congress ever stated that a Republican or “a reagan” (note: a group of Republicans is called “a reagan”) was a fascist. So, this is a bigger deal. But c’mon, liberals. Don’t act like no one has ever mislabeled a Republican for cheap political purposes.

Up

Now I am happy. I wish I could figure these mood swings out.

M.T.

Feeling kind of empty right now. Don't know what changed so fast. Not really happy. Not really sad. I'm leaning toward sad, but I don't have the energy to put into it. Just a weird feeling of "blah" right now. I kind of want part of this to stay around. I really want that "no strong feelings either way" feeling to help me feel better about stuff. Not the most articulate and sophisticated way of expressing myself, but I think it did the job nicely.

Depression Diary #3

I think this should be renamed from "A Place to Rant" to "My Depression Diary".

I'm not feeling as suicidal as before, but I am still not feeling well. I'm now seeing my therapist twice a week after admitting some suicidal thoughts last week, and a slight melt down today. I just don't see my life ever getting better. Nothing sticks with me. Anything that I have done that could boost my self-esteem, I ignore and forget about it. Even after going to the library with my therapist a few weeks back, I still have the same issues about going to a new place and being scared and anxious. I read a chapter in my book about social anxiety and I completely forgot about it by today.

I hate my life so much. I feel like a worthless waste of space. I am not looking forward to my birthday next week.

Feelin' fine

As the title suggests, I'm "Feelin' fine". Don't feel as low as I did yesterday. Don't feel as worthless and sad. I think I just needed to pow through the rough patch with the medications before I started feeling the positive consequences of them. I have to say the last week or two has not been fun for me.

I'm not really "happy", like that manic period I had Friday night. But my mood is improving. Still think things are a little hopeless, but I'm not willing to strangle myself with my belt.

I hope I am turning a corner with my depression.

Life so far...

Ever since I have been taking these meds, life has been hell. I don't think I have ever had this reaction to anti-depressants before. For a week and a half, I've been feeling like shit. Worthless garbage with no point to living. I hate my life so much.

This is not at all where I thought I would be by now. I don't know where I thought I should be, but I am getting so fed up with it.

My therapy just rolls off of me now. Nothing sticks. Nothing sinks in. Nothing. I have to read two chapters in my book by Tuesday, the book I thought was so damn great. I tried an exercise last night that my therapist suggested and it worked for only half an hour. After that, boom, all my issues came back.

I'm trying to find something in this town to keep me occupied, but there is nothing to do in this fucking place. NOTHING. I've walked to town multiple times. Nothing.

My psychiatrist told me that "things will get better in a few weeks". No, no they are not. I don't see anything ever getting better for me. I just don't see any way out of this. I have nothing to offer this world or anyone. I'm never going to get a job. I'm never going to get a girlfriend. I'm never going to do anything with my life. Twenty-four pointless years of pathetic existence. I am just a waste of skin and bones, consuming resources that could be used elsewhere. I just wish I had the courage to kill myself and end my and everyone's misery. But no, I'm too scared. Perfect. Fucking perfect.

I have to reason to live. There is no purpose. There is nothing getting me out of bed in the morning. I just wish sweet death would take me after I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes.

Nothin'

I've got nothing this year for April Fools Day. Sorry. Had something planned, but it was too complicated and it made me sad. Well, anything can make me sad these days. That poor empty bottle of soda on the ground who has no home. Life is so depressing. :(

Well, I hope you all have a good day. Try to avoid any pranksters and be skeptical of everything you see online!