Capital One is everywhere, I get it!

At work, I am bombarded with the most annoying radio ads all day. Capital One has the most annoying…

There are two ads that play on every radio station. Basically, someone asks about a new Capital One branch in the area (they recently acquired Chevy Chase bank) and because there are so many convenient locations, one person ends up confused and the other person ends up frustrated.

Here is one commercial:

Thug: “I’ve kidnapped your dog, meet me near the Capital One branch with $1000, or your dog will get it!”

Woman: “Are you near X, Y, or Z?”

Thug: “No” (getting impatient)

(Repeat 10 more times)

Thug: “Enough! I’ll give you your dog back!”

God, this is like an unfunny “Cheese Shop” sketch. It makes no goddamn sense. Did you notice that the thug never gave any specific location? He just said “Near the Capital One Branch”. In the commercial, it is narrowed down to DC, but there are still so many convenient branches in DC that it is really hard to know where he is. The thug even tells the woman “I’m not here to play 20 questions!” after she asks which one he is near.  MAYBE IF YOU GAVE HER A GOD DAMN ADDRESS, SHE WOULDN’T NEED TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR LOCATION! He even admits that there are a lot of locations! (Plus, that woman knows an awful lot about where each branch is located. She knows a little too much…)

The other commercial is the same. A fish delivery guy (the same guy who played the dognapper) goes to a coffee bar to deliver the fish. He was told to deliver the fish to the restaurant across the street from the Capital One branch. After some misunderstandings, the man takes the fish for himself as the woman at the coffee bar informs him that fish do not belong at a coffee bar. I would not work for a delivery company that gave such awful directions. Again, an ADDRESS would be helpful.

I know the point of these ads. “Capital One has many convenient locations in the Washington DC area”. However, the ads make no sense and are incredibly forced. The TV ad is much better. The barbarian mascots for Capital One go to each new branch and convert it from the old Chevy Chase one (yes, barbarian mascots).

Just one more ad to gripe about…

An ad for a cell phone, or something, is presented like a will. A man ‘wills’ so many minutes of his morning routine to things like gridlock and lost keys, which means he has squat to give to checking his email before work on his phone. The point of the ad: upgrade your service/phone to a faster network to check email. That makes no sense! The ad is clever until you start to think about it; he has no time in the morning because of his lost keys and traffic. Having faster internet won’t give you more time to check your email! The ad said he could only give a few measly seconds to checking his email. Internet, the speed of light, would not help you! If the ad had him spending 15 minutes trying to check his email because it was so slow, and thus make him late, would make more sense. If you put your keys in the same spot every day, you wouldn’t have lost them, you idiot!