It’s the holiday season (the holiday season). It’s that time of year in which we try to kill each other over an overpriced toy or discount electronics and divide ourselves into polarized camps when a town nobody cares about bans a manger scene on public property.
Amen
Speaking of polarization, nothing divides us more (than that darn baby Jesus in front of a courthouse) than Christmas music. Either it warms your heart or causes you to go into a killing frenzy.
Josh Fun Fact1: The murder rate shoots up 125% in December!
I love Christmas music. I could (and have) listen to it all year. You don’t associate August with Christmas? That’s why we need an August holiday.
However some songs drive me up a wall. Here my Top 5 list of the Worst Christmas songs:
I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. Do I need to explain this one? A boy, or girl…I can’t tell, wants a hippo for Christmas. Why a freaking Hippo? It’s stupid. Christmas songs should make me feel good. This one annoys the hell out of me.
Santa Baby. Some Ho tries to seduce Santa into getting her extravagant gifts. A) Get a rich husband or B) Get a job (most likely as a hooker). Like that country song that shall remain nameless, I feel dirty after hearing this. AGAIN, Christmas songs should warm my heart, not make me feel unclean.
Baby, It's Cold Outside. Ok, this is not a Christmas song. Just because it takes place during the holiday, it doesn’t make this a Christmas song. Besides, how is a song about date rape supposed to be pleasant and put me in a good mood?
(Baby its cold outside)
I really can’t stay
(Beautiful please don't hurry)
My Father will be pacing-
(BITCH, GET IN THE BASEMENT, NOW!!!)
Yes, pleasant…
The Christmas Shoes. I know that my main complaint has been that these songs are not tugging enough at my heart strings, but this song is too over the top and its morals is confusing. A mother is dying at Christmas and her son wants to buy shoes for her so she looks nice for Jesus. However, the boy can’t afford them because America’s health care system caused the family to go bankrupt due to her not getting coverage because of a preexisting condition and… sorry. Went off on a tangent. Anyway, the boy is too poor to afford the shoes. Some man’s heart grew three sizes that day and buys the shoes for him.
First, I don’t think Jesus would care what you looked like when you reached heaven. I never pictured him as the judgmental type.
Second, are we really supposed to be touched by consumerism? She’s dying, why would she care about some shoes? Wouldn’t a nice meal or medicine be more helpful?
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I don’t hate this song (although I don’t like the Dean Martin version where he’s called ‘Rudy the Red Beaked Reindeer’).
Giuliani?
What I I hate are the stupid things yelled after each line. So many assemblies in Grade School were ruined by A-Holes. “Like Pinocchio!” “Like Monopoly!” “Like Columbus!” “In his Underwear!”. Here’s one: “Shut the F@ck Up!”
The Christmas season would be better if these songs didn’t exist. Oh well. I could be listening to Country Christmas music…the only genre that could ruin Jingle Bells2.
Well, not as bad as this...
Awkward levels rising...
1Complete BS
2Besides Rap
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