Biggest Scientific find in 50 years. Republicans unanimously object.

Washington D.C. - After a series of experiments at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland may have proved the existence of the Higgs boson and unlocked how the universe works, Republicans on Capitol Hill unanimously derided the discovery.

"Hogwash!" cried Republican Texas Congressman and head of the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, Ralph M. Hall during one of his many jogs in the District. "This is just another case of big science forcing its unfounded theories on the American people. The economic consequences of this to the country would be devastating".

"You don't need some fancy doohickey to tell me how the universe works. God makes it work," commented fellow committee member Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD). "The very fact that they call this so-called thing a 'God particle' shows you how much these 'scientists' want to take religion out of American public life."

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) made a brief comment to Fox News last night, calling the discovery "a sad moment in the history of science and the world" and derided the scientists' efforts. "What [they are] doing in Geneva is nothing more than scaremongering and the American people will not stand for this hoax," he said as he concluded the interview.

A Washington Post/ABC poll of 996 individuals found that only 6% of self-described Republicans thought the discovery was "somewhat" or "very important" compared to 91% who claimed it was "somewhat" or "very Anti-American". The other 3% percent were too busy burning high school science textbooks to respond.

The House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology recommended along party lines, with two Democrats voting with the majority bloc of Republicans, to drastically slash science funding and move the funding to faith-based initiatives in the upcoming budget. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said the proposal would be 'dead on arrival' in the chamber.

"This is fucking stupid," said Reid as he left his Senate office and refused to answer any more questions to reporters.


Sources:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/13/world/europe/higgs-boson-q-and-a/index.html?hpt=hp_c1

http://science.house.gov/