Republicans see Parallel Universe in which Christianity is Banned

Ithaca, NY - Researchers at Cornell University have figured out why Republicans are so adamant at forcing religion into schools and other areas of public life; they live in a parallel universe in which Christianity is banned in America.

"It is a bit of a misnomer to say that they 'live in a parallel universe'," explained Dr. Simon Provost, head of the five-year long study. "They live in our universe, but they see another one very similar to our own except religion, specifically Christianity, has been banned".

The study that was released Friday included interviews with almost ten thousand self-described Christian Republicans and Conservatives all across the nation from various backgrounds, ethnicities, and age groups.

"One thing they all had in common was that they could not see churches. One participant in the study was placed in front of the First Baptist Church here in Ithaca and he could not see any physical building on the lot. All he could see was dirt. He mentioned under his breath that he wish he could find a place to worship freely."

The results puzzled some of the researchers at first. If Republicans could not actually see the churches, why did they go to them more frequently than Independents or Democrats? Numerous interviews with participants found that when Republicans go to church, they see themselves "walking into an empty tract of land and huddle around a small fire to pray". Four out of five of them often claim to see armed "Nazi-esque" soldiers of some nameless tyrannical regime wielding guns, waiting to open fire, but they never do.

"To us non-Republicans," Dr. Provost told us "it looks like they walk into a Church and have a normal worship service. But to them, they see it very differently. They see a world in which they are persecuted for their beliefs. The very act of going to church is seen as a courageous move against some unseen tyranny."

The study goes on to show that the participants' natural reaction to this perception is to try and spread "tolerance" of their religion into schools and public places against, what they perceive, great odds and oppression. The many school or town hall meetings in which self-described Christian Conservatives go to and try to ban evolution or force prayer is seen by them as a heroic move against secular totalitarianism. Some participants have reported actually being crucified at these meetings. "However, we see it as 'their measure being voted down' and someone asking them to 'please lower their voices and take a seat'."

So the next time you turn on your T.V. and hear Fox News complaining about the War on Christmas, it's because they see a distorted reality in which they honestly believe Christians are being persecuted in America.