My Heart and Soul

I usually write about politics, controversial history, a video game or two, and just a lot of random little things that I notice in my life on this blog. But today, I think I really need to talk about something else, something a bit more personal. I know that I mentioned on Facebook that I wanted to try and talk about more happy things and stop whining about my life. But I really want to get this off my chest. I do have a "funny" story in the works (funny is in quotes because I'm finding it hard to make it as humorous as I would like), a few political yet non-partisan posts, and a look into the many problems and struggles Muslims face trying to defend their religion to the West. Unfortunately, the many websites that I had bookmarked to use for these posts are on my old computer which got some nasty malware on it, causing me to purchase a new computer. I did manage to save them in a word document and put it on a zip drive, but I am a little paranoid that the malware might be on it. I did run a scan of it, and it found and removed the trojan I believe was causing the problems. Still, I don't want to lose a computer just a few days after I bought it. So, those may lay dormant for awhile.

Anyway, after all that fun information that you were just DYING to know, now for what is really on my chest.

I have been hopelessly in love for far too long now. It's to the point where (as I mentioned before) it's basically an obsession at this point. I've had crushes in my lifetime growing up, but the feelings faded as I spent more time away from them. Not this time. They have only grown more intense as time and distance has separated us.

I keep trying to hold on to this absurd belief that a relationship could work out or that there is a possibility that it could even exist. But I know it will never be. The distance is far too great. I don't know if I will ever see her again! I have all sorts of social problems that make it hard for me to connect with people. I have NOTHING going for me. No job. No life. No prospects. Who wants that?

 And yes, even as I am pouring my heart and soul out, I still need to make a joke.

And although I feel embarrassed to admit it, that genophobia probably doesn't help either. Oh, I've lusted in my heart as much as Jimmy Carter and fantasize about being intimate, but the thought of me actually doing so makes me feel sick. Who wants that?

Even though I still believe that this won't work out, I still hold on to the tiny possibility that it could because this is the only person that will ever understand me. I don't know if I can ever find someone like her ever again. HOW do you find people? Yes, staying in my room all day won't have women flocking to me, but where do I go after I'm standing outside? Don't say "a bar" because I don't drink. Nothing is sexier than a man ordering a soda at a bar...

She is everything I have ever wanted in a partner. Friendly. Funny. Intelligent. And the icing on the cake, she is drop-dead gorgeous. Beautiful on the inside and out.

I'm so afraid of telling her because of the inevitable rejection. As long as I never give her the chance to respond, she will never say no.

Writing definitely has helped me at times. I've written a few explicit love letters (not James Joycee level, but more explicit than anything I have ever written). But I'm sick of keeping my feelings to myself. So here they are. Sorry if I ruined your day with this depressing post. Here is a picture of my cat.