Born Again?

This might sound silly, over the top, or overly dramatic. Maybe even disingenuous or insincere. But I assure you it’s not. I’ve been fighting with myself if I should post this or not.

I feel “born again”. But not in the religious way.

I feel like a “Born Again Feminist”. I recently wrote a post about all the crap women have to deal with. It had been building up for about a month or so. So many things caused me to write that post; a discussion with a friend, the slew of idiotic legislation making its way through state legislatures, these attacks on contraception coverage and the women who speak out in support of it, the Susan G. Komen Foundation and their partisan withdrawal of support for Planned Parenthood, my friends on Facebook sharing these stories along with their opinion, tumblr posts, and my one friend’s courageous admission of sexual abuse have all caused me to rethink a lot of my positions, thoughts, and the statements I have made in the past regarding women’s issues.

In the last week or so, I felt like my eyes had been opened. I was guided out of the dark and into the light and I could see clearly for the first time. I finally felt like I understood feminism. Why it exists and what it is trying to accomplish. Things that boggled my mind now made sense.

I felt as if Johnathan Edwards was speaking to me when he told an audience in Enfield, Connecticut that we were “sinners in the hands of an angry God”. I feel like I have sinned. Like I had been led astray. That I was part of the problem.

I was sexist. I held sexist beliefs.

I want to repent for the ‘sins’ I have committed. For all the terrible, insensitive, ignorant, anti-woman things I have said, written, thought, and done and the grief they caused. There is no “God of Feminism” to ask for forgiveness from, but I do have the women in my life that I have wronged through my words and actions that I hope they can forgive me for. I wish there was a way for me to confess to someone all of my horrible thoughts. Maybe a higher power is in order? Or maybe I should just write a list. My sins might not be as great as others that have been committed, but they are sins nonetheless.

I feel so differently. Like some kind of real, profound change has occurred within me.

But I don’t want to get arrogant. I don’t want to act like I fully “get it”. As a man, I will never truly understand what it is like to be a woman. Living in a male-dominated world, I will never really know what it is like to be seen as an “inferior” sex/gender. To be subject to more abuse, discrimination, and control for being a woman. I can be more open minded, sympathetic, and supportive of women and their struggles against injustice. But I shouldn’t act like a know-it-all. I don’t want to go overboard and become a crazy crusader (and develop an attitude of constantly needing to protect women, as that’s not very feminist. I may have already broken that promise).

I might still have a few disagreements here and there with feminism. But overall, I hope I am turning a new leaf. That I can put a lot of distance between my old beliefs and can embrace these new ones. I hope I can overcome my dark past and move into a brighter future.